Anyone who frequents newsgroups for any length of time picks up some
fairly random stuff along the way. So in an attempt not to lose all the
great bits of ephemera I shall post them here.
spectacular photos can be found here.
213 Things Skippy is No Longert Allowed to do in the Military
Strange and bizarrely funny list of exploits carried out by on Specialist Shwartz formerly of the US Army in Bosnia.
What I Didn’t Do On My Holidays
I have no idea where this came from but It’s too funny not to share.
IT’S NO fun being a kid, these days. I know this because,
as a million kids this morning hand in homework essays on what they did
at the Bank Holiday, one is explaining that his blew out of the window.
I found it.
Today i went for a ride on my new bycicle. My dad bort it becaus my
boddy-mass index was .002% too high on Friday, and my Mum started
screeming yu hav eeten a toffy, nigel, who gave yu the toffy, i cannot
let yu out of my site for a second, what did he look like, did he tuch
yu, if so wear?
Nobody gave me a toffy i replide, my increesed wate is probly on acount
of particulates falling out of the sky on to me wile i was in the
gardn, or a grothe inside me due to passiv smoaking from Mr Foskett
acros the rode, last thersday my windo was open and so was his, or
maybe some hevvy fleas jumped on me off of a nurban fox. At this, my
dad stagger and grab the fridge for suport, seting off the alarm (yu
are not alowed to tuch the fridge between meels), i hav told yu not to
go into the gardn unacompnied, he cri, ilegal imgrants mite hav cut the
razer-wire in the nite, yu culd end up in tieland as a yunuk slave or
in a nafgan traning camp or in irak with boms tied round yu.
It is a nise bycicle. It is bolted to the flore in our sellar and there
is a screen in front of it showing a video of Hamsted High Street, it
is just like being their exept i wuld not have ecg wires stuk to me
monitrin my hart. I wear a helmet in case my seet belt snaps and
slip off, or somthing drops on me off of the seeling, my mum says yu
never kno wear a spiders feet hav been, also it culd be poisonus, even
waitrows cannot be sure they hav not cum into this cuntry on a norganic
It is okay in the sellar, there is no windo for jerms, diesl funes,
pollen, dedly wosps, chernobil stuff or terrists to get in thruogh, and
there is a fone in case the blud pressure machine on my arm shows more
than 100 over 60. It is not a sellphone of corse, because i am not
alowed to hav brane canser, and it does not take incumming calls due to
hevvy breething. After i peddled 10 kilometers as recomended by the
departmant of helth, i foned my mum and she unlokked the door and
chekked my pulse and gave me my snak. It was a hoam-made spinich lolly
with 8 calries.
i was alowed into the gardn after that, becaus it was time for my swim.
i say swim, it is more of a paddel, because my dad puts only two
sentimeters of water in the pool, after he has boyled the impuritys
away, and even then i hav to wear a mask and snorkle. i do not mind
because it wuld be hard to swim with the chane on anyway. The chane is
fixed to a concreat blok, in case my father hav to run into the hous
for any reason and leeve me aloan. i also hav to carry an umbrella wen
i paddel, due to pidgen droppings, you can get ashthma and go blind and
After lunch (lettice patties and non-bacterial yogurt, 31 calries) my
best frend james from next dore came round. After sining my dadï¿½s
clipboard and showing him the noat from there solister, his parents
wated until my dad had body-searched him in their presents and put him
thruogh our scanner, and then james and me went to play french crickit.
It is quite a dangeruos game, one of yu has a batt made of
biodegradable carboard and the other one thros a sponge at his legs. If
it hits his legs, he is out. He is then examined for dammidge by a
same-sex parent in the presents of a qualfied witniss (today it was Mr
Simson JP MBE from no. 64), and it is his tern to be in. This does not
mean he has wun, yu are not alowed to win or loose, exitement can
releese fatty asids into the sistem, you get an emblism and fail gcse.
Then we climed into into my tree-hous and had tee. It is easy to clime
into becaus it is on the ground, as reqired by Helth & Safety
Exective Para 3317, but yu can see the tree thruogh the window, if you
put on dark goggles and sunscreen factor 800. Tee was a norganic
collieflour chees without chees, due to clesterol clogging your vanes,
then we went inside and watched tee vee. A bit dull, due to wear it was
switched off on account of posible vilence cumming on, also rays
cumming out and giving yu sindromes.
Then james said culd we go to the park, and my mum fainted, and dad
said it was time james went hoam, and he e-mailed his parents and they
drove round from next dore in the 4wd to pik him up, so i had to play
subutio on my own, but my mum sed yu cant be spers as wel as chelsey,
all that flikking will give yuor forfinger reptive strane injry, yu
will not be abel to text for help if a man gives yu sweets, so i went
upstares and rote this hoamwork.
The SysAdmin’s Christmas Carole
Originally seen on the Scary Devil Monastery, origin unknown.
God rest ye CS students now,
Let nothing you dismay.
The VAX is down and won’t be up,
Until the first of May.
The program that was due this morn,
Won’t be postponed, they say.
The bearings on the drum are gone,
The disk is wobbling, too.
We’ve found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
Can’t tell false from true.
And now we find that we can’t get
At Berkeley’s 4.2.
We’ve just received a call from DEC,
They’ll send without delay
It takes nine hundred K.
The staff committed suicide,
We’ll bury them today.
And now some cheery news for you,
The network’s also dead,
We’ll have to print your files on
The line printer instead.
The turnaround time’s nineteen weeks.
And only cards are read.
And now we’d like to say to you
We hope the news we’ve brought to you
Won’t ruin your whole day.
You’ve got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
comfort and joy.
Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
— to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen